All Blacks Jokes

Sorry all you mourning Kiwis, but some of the following jokes doing the rounds are too good to resist. I promise this will be the last word on the matter. Probably.

Have you heard about the All Blacks new bra?
All support but no cup.

What’s the difference between the All Blacks and an arsonist?
An arsonist wouldn’t waste five matches.

The man to lead the All Blacks to 2011 World Cup glory:

What do you call 15 guys sitting around the TV watching the Rugby World Cup final?
The All Blacks

What’s the difference between Graham Henry and Viagra?
At least Viagra gives you a semi.

Graham Henry gets handed a mobile phone and is told “This is Wayne Barnes’s phone”
Henry asks “How did you know?”
“It has 15 missed calls” comes the reply

Why did Graham Henry go to a ball dressed as a pumpkin?
Because he hoped when the clock struck midnight he would turn into a coach.

Why did the man go to an Adidas store and try to buy condoms?
He was too embarrassed to ask for an All Black jersey.

Unfortunately for the All Blacks, the cavalry arrived too late:

Graham Henry has a busy day and tells the team just to practice passing round some plastic cones for training.
After 80 minutes he sees them trudging back looking depressed.
“How did the session go lads,” he asks.
“The cones won 18-12,” replies Richie McCaw.

There was a fire in Snow White’s cabin in the forest and she ran around desperately checking if the dwarfs were alright. There was a groan and she said “Sleepy’s fine!” and a growl and she said “Grumpy is alright” and so on, but she couldn’t find the seventh one until she heard someone say “The All Blacks are going to still win” and she said “ There – thank God – Dopey is okay!”

Albert Einstein arrives at a party and introduces himself to the first person he sees and asks, “What is your IQ?” to which the man answers “241.”
“That’s wonderful!,” says Albert. “We will talk about the Grand Unification Theory and the mysteries of the Universe. We will have much to discuss!”
Next Albert introduces himself to a woman and asks, “What is your IQ?” To which the lady answers, “144.”
“That is great!,” responds Albert. “We can discuss politics and current affairs. We will have much to discuss!”
Albert goes to another person and asks, “What is your IQ?” to which the man answers, “51.”
Albert responds, “So, what do you reckon happened to the All Blacks?”

A man’s body was found in the harbour wearing an All Blacks jumper, pink panties, fishnet stockings and a dildo up his arse. Police removed the jumper to avoid any embarrassment to his family.

Did you hear NZ Post has just recalled their latest batch of stamps?
They had photos of All Blacks on them & people couldn’t figure out which side to spit on.

The NZRFU has taken the All Blacks’ Fords off them. When the All Blacks asked what they would do without them the NZRFU replied “Drive Holdens like all the other losers.”

Did you hear that thieves broke into the all Black Trophy room last night?
Police are appealing for information on the whereabouts of a glass cabinet and a carpet.

Eddie was at school one morning and the teacher asked all the children what their fathers did for a living.
All the typical answers came out, Fireman, Policeman, Salesman, Chippy, Captain of Industry etc, but Eddie was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.
“My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is really good, he’ll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with him.”
The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took little Eddie aside to ask him if that was really true.
“No” said Edward, “He’s an All Black but I was just too embarrassed to say.”

Wayne Barnes walks into a sperm donor bank.
“I’d like to donate some sperm” he says to the receptionist.
“Certainly Sir” replies the receptionist, “have you donated before?”.
“Yes” replies Wayne “you should have my details on your computer”.
“Oh yes, I’ve found your details” says the receptionist “but I see you’re going to need help. Shall I call your wife for you?”
“Why do I need help?” asks Wayne. The receptionist replies
“Well, it says on your record that you’re a useless wanker”

What have the All Blacks got in common with a three pin plug?
Both are useless in Wales.

On a tour of New Zealand, the Pope took a couple of days off his itinerary to visit the north coast on an impromptu sightseeing trip.
His 4X4 Popemobile was driving along the golden sands when there was an enormous commotion heard just off the headland. They rushed to see what it was and upon approaching the scene the Pope noticed just outside the surf, Wayne Barnes struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a twenty-foot shark.
At that moment a speedboat containing Graham Henry, Richie McCaw and Anton Oliver roared into view from around the point. Spontaneously, Richie McCaw took aim and fired a harpoon into the shark’s ribs, immobilising it instantly.
The other two reached out and pulled Wayne Barnes from the water and then, using long clubs, beat the shark to death.
They bundled the bleeding, semi-conscious Wayne into the speedboat along with the dead shark and then prepared for a hasty retreat, when they heard frantic shouting from the shore. It was of course the Pope, and he summoned them to the beach.
Upon them reaching the shore the Pope went into raptures about the rescue and said, “I give you my blessing for your brave actions. I had heard that there were some hooligan elements and vindictive people upset by the result of the match but, now I have seen with my own eyes this is not true. I can see that you are truly enlightened examples of cultural harmony and could serve as a model which other peoples could follow.”
He blessed them all and drove off in a cloud of dust.
As he departed, Graham Henry asked the others, “Who was that?”
“That,” Anton Oliver answered, “was his Holiness the Pope. He is in direct contact with God and has access to all God’s wisdom.”
“Well,” Richie McCaw replied, “he knows nothing about shark hunting. How’s that bait holding up?”.

What do you do for a drowning New Zealand Rugby player?
Nothing. You could drag him to the top, but he’ll choke anyway.

Four surgeons are taking a coffee break. The first one says,
“Accountants are the best to operate on because when you open them up everything inside them is numbered.”
The second surgeon says, “Nah, librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order.”
The third surgeon says, “Try electricians. Everything inside them is colour-coded.”
The fourth one says, “I prefer New Zealand Rugby players. They’re heartless, spineless, gutless and their heads and bums are interchangeable.”

A man meets a friend and sees that his friend’s car is a total write-off and covered with leaves, grass, branches, dirt and blood.
He asks his friend “What’s happened to your car?”
“Well,” the friend responds, “I ran over Wayne Barnes”.
“OK,” says the man, “that explains the blood… But what about the leaves, the grass, the branches and the dirt ?”
“Well, he tried to escape through the park.”

Graham Henry asked Bernard Laporte after the quarter-final”””Bernie, I thought I had the journey planned, how did you beat me?”
“Pretty simple,” replied Laporte, “I picked my players for their intelligence and asked them just one question.”
“That simple?” said Henry. “Yep,”replied Laporte, “pick one of my squad and see how he does.”
Henry thought for a while then nominated Freddie Michalak. Laporte called him over and asked him, “Who is the child of your father and of your mother who is not your brother and is not your sister?” “Ah simple, Bernie,” says Freddie, “it’s me.”
“Well done, Freddie,” said Laporte, and Henry was very impressed. He returned to the hotel and wondered about the intelligence of his team. He called in Richie McCaw and asked him, “Who is the child of your father and of your mother who is not your brother and is not your sister?”
Richie thought and thought and couldn’t come up with the answer. “Can I think about it a bit more, Coach?””I’ll give you an answer tomorrow.”
“Of course,” said Henry, “you’ve got 24 hours. But it is very important that you come up with the answer.”
Richie went away, thinking as hard as he could, and then he called in his team-mates. Mils Muliana thought it might be his grandpa but wasn’t sure. Aaron Mauger was certain that it couldn’t be anyone. Ali Williams refused to answer in case he was sacked for not knowing.
Joe Rococoko thought it would be an uncle in Fiji who had been adopted as a child. Leon McDonald went into the foetal position. The rest of the team wouldn’t even hazard a guess. Twenty hours later, Richie was very worried that he still had no answer with only four hours to go. Eventually McCaw thought, “I know, I’ll ring Andrew Mehrtens””he’s bloody smart, he’ll know the answer.”
He phoned Mehrtens. “Merts, tell me””who is the child of your father and of your mother who is not your brother and is not your sister?”
“Very simple,” said Mehrtens, “It’s me.”
“Of course,” said Richie and rang Henry. “Coach, I’ve got the answer””it’s Mehrtens!”
“No, you idiot,” said Henry, “It’s Freddie Michalak.”